emotions
Wednesday, May 21
today was an emotional train wreck for me.
i think quite a number of people know that i cried during the silly msn-imitation talk. but what nobody knows is that i actually spent the half hour before that crying in the toilet... lol. i know it sounds totally lame and movie cliche-like, but like, if you dont want anyone to see you, then obviously a cubicle in the toilet is the best place to hide :P but of course you also have to make sure that the cubicle that you're in is clean, i mean, if you're gonna have a crying session you dont wanna do it in some dinghy place. but thats besides the point.
so anyway, i'm sure lots of people are/were wondering why i was crying, but i didnt tell anyone except joshua liew since he asked :P so, this is kinda just a fyi to people who are like unsure what happened :P dont worry, its nothing biggy.
so the event that upset me enough to make me cry was getting our POD marks... ok, i'm not an academic or studies freak, but seeing the marks just made me very angry at first. everyone else had their marks moderated up by quite a LOT. but mine only went up a miserable amount. and of course, that put me near the back of the class. dont misunderstand me, i wasn't upset by that.
you see, the thing was broken down into 3 parts. the reflections, the essay, and class participation. reflections i did reasonably, essay i didn't put in much effort, so i was fine with the low mark. but what i hated was that i only got a 6/10 for my class participation, which was definitely much less that what i had expected, considering the amount of effort i had put in. what's more, the lowest in class was i think 5/10, which was je sern's mark. moreover, it was totally the same as it was before the "moderation", so obviously i wasnt gonna settle for that measly mark, and i went to argue for more marks after she dismissed us.
haiz. i had to argue with her so so so long. and yet she never budged. she said that she based her marking solely on the thread that we had on the class website. so of course, i asked her to check that. i mean, i'd definitely put in lots of effort into that, and actually took time out of my busy 13th hour chinese oep project just to write those. and i had to take so much time to think of replies ok!
so she read through my posts and was like, no evidence! i can't give you marks! all you give is personal experiences and examples! like whatever woman! if you keep on quoting other sources for evidence its not like its really your own work in the end is it? and after all, i quoted other people who used evidences, so whats wrong with piggybacking on them? evidence is evidence, if you really want it its there, and theres nothing to say that you cant piggyback evidence! i thought the whole term was supposed to be about critical thinking... and i'm sure mind clearly did show that. i'd systematically written out everything, and it was like so easy to understand... made total sense. and all that bunny rabbit could say was that using logic is not enough to support an argument... and she even said using own experiences cannot qualify as evidence, cos they arent verified. i mean, experiences are things that happened. the fact that it happened already qualifies it as a possibility of something that happens doesnt it... so how can you say that having personal example is useless? what kinda reasoning is that! she herself wasnt even using critical thinking!
then when she like couldnt answer my question she start talking about my essay blah blah blah. please lah woman! i wouldnt care about my essay when i didnt put effort into it... and i didnt even ask you to talk about it! never even mentioned it!
i argued with her and tried to bargain with her for more marks for like half and hour... and it was like pouring out all my effort that i'd also put in to write those stupid posts, and yet to no avail. i was just so fed up that i couldnt be bothered to argue anymore. if you cant talk any sense to a bunny for half an hour, whats the use of trying any longer? so i went back to my seat (everyone else was at recess), then suddenly felt very disappointed... then i couldnt stand it and brisk-walked to the toilet and started crying ):
thank goodness i had packet tissue... cos my mucus was flowing like anything. i was so so so sad. i mean, i'd put in so much effort into doing that silly thread posting thing, and yet the outcome from it was nothing... i felt so defeated... like, if you try so hard to do well, and yet do so so so badly, whats the use in even trying? not like it'll matter right? i dont mind getting low output if i dont put in effort, cos i know that you know, its cos i didnt bother, so its my own fault that i did badly. but when you try so hard to do something, and yet get nothing out of it... haiz. i just hit rock bottom.
so it was time to go for the silly virtual classroom talk, so i had to leave the toilet... after all i'm vice-chair and i dont want some candy hounding at me when i'm so sad. i choked back tears and walked with my head down to the classroom, cos i'd run out of tissue. needed to refill XD i know my eyes and nose were cherry red, so i didnt anyone to see that i'd been crying.
at class, almost everyone had left already. so i had to rush to the cpa. i wasnt intending to cry there again, but once i sat down all the emotions and thoughts from before just rushed back into my head, and once again i couldnt contain my tears. i must say crying in a group of friends really does help... there are people there to comfort you, and whats more, you can see who really cares about you :P so i saw who the caring people were, and also saw who had low EQ, like didnt even care and just stared XD anyway thats besides the point.
i'm really glad that my friends were there to be a support, and it was nice of them not to ask why i was crying, cos i guess that may have just made me cry even more to think about it heh. people were really considerate (: and i appreciate all my friends for that! i also just kept crying out to God for comfort, cos i was really so deeply hurt. and as always, comfort came immediately (: He helped me to talk through my troubles and everything, and my troubled heart became clear. and i could finally enjoy poking fun at the talk along with my wonderful classmates :D
so, that was just for those who are/were concerned to know. and once again, i really appreciate those that were there for me when i was feeling down. thanks so much! and of course, i can never forget God who's always there for me XD
tata chillun!
AMEN;
8:29 pm
